The Phone Call

Mallory! You’re trying to give yourself a panic attack!

No I’m not, Anastasia… I… I really want to talk about eye diseases…

You’re trying to make yourself crazy because you don’t want to leave the house!

But I was planning on leaving… I just ‘ave to make a phone call first…

Mallory! Don’t you call Carl!

Um, allo Carl… what are you doing? But why do you need zat much milk? I don’t… a raincoat? I… what’s all zee dirt for? What?

Oh my god zat’s so disgusting.

An hour later…

Carl, you should be banned from ever phoning a lady!

What? I’m, like, sensitive! I’ll call a phone dating service right now just to show you!

Hello? Hi! My name’s Carl! It’s nice to meet you! I thought I’d see what phone dating was like before the internet.

Me? Uh, lesee… I like hip hop, my Grandma, partying, the chronic. What? I sound “great”? Hey, thanks!

What about you? I’m hoping you’re Mexican? No? Costa Rican? You’re latina though, right? No?

Would you say that you prefer wearing stretch pants because it’s hard to find slacks that fit in the rear? Not really????

You’re just a skinny white girl? Oh. I mean, that’s cool, I guess. What’s that? “Your tiny little butt cheeks are so tight I could probably hold both of them in one hand”? Hold on a sec.

Oh my god that’s so disgusting.

Listen, uh, I think I’d better stick to online dating. I gotta go. The internet needs me, I mean, I need the internet.

Thank god for the internet.