The Spider

Eek! Mallory there’s a spider up there! Get the broom!

Oh, Anastasia, it’s okay…

I hate land octopuses! Squish him! Squish him!

Squish? Mmm… no, ‘ee is my friend.

He’s hairy and gross! I hate him!

I’ve been feeding ‘im soymilk. ‘ee is friendly.

I’ll get ‘is shell, okay Anastasia?

Shell? Whaddya mean, Mallory?

I zink ‘ee is from zee jungle, so I got ‘im a shell so ‘ee can stay warm. Come to your shell, mon ami.

Oh my goodness look how cute he is now! How did he get here anyway?

‘Ee probably came ’ere accidentally in zee bananas.

I think I’ll be his friend! Everyone needs a friend!

Hello? How you doing, my friend! Yeah man, I’m just chillin’ and watching A Different World!

You don’t remember A Different World? Malcolm X hats! Flip-up glasses! Ghetto blasters! Sinbad! What’s that? Fuck you, dude! Sinbad rules!

What I am saying? Sinbad is awful. His material has always been terrible. The guy tries so hard, it’s like he doesn’t have a friend in the world!

It’s like he tries to be cute and fun, but he comes off as sorta disturbing in a wholesome way.