Books

Look at the fancy jackass! Reading a book with his brain! Fancy jackass!

Shut up, Angry Chef.

Abacus told me to read this. It’s called The Catcher in the Rye. It’s about this asshole. The guy is like a total dick!

No shit? What’s the guy say?

Fifteen minutes later…

“…when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write “Fuck you” right under your nose.”

I told you Holden Caulfield was a dick. He drinks, he curses and he’s angry all the time.

Sounds like the little fucker would make a good chef.

What’s that old library book, Mallory?

Mmm… she is Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. I feel bad touching it, like I don’t deserve ‘er ideas.

I wish I could read a big ol’ book, but I can’t because of my ‘lexia.

But you read magazines, menus and zee internet. You’re zee clever one, oui?

Really? The last boy I dated told me I was only a pretty face.

Zat’s because zee boy was only a pretty face. Is why ‘ee said that.

Grits and gravy… you’re right! He was only a pretty face!

Mmm…. sometimes people hate zemselves without realizing it.

So then on her fifth martini, my date starts bragging about her Mitsubishi hatchback. She even busted into a freestyle! What a fucking nutcase!

Please Carl, I’m on the last chapter of The Origin of Species.

Maybe I should give up dating and become a man mistress. What’s a man mistress called anyway? A mantress?

I don’t believe there is a word for a male mistress. And mantress is not a word.

Hey, isn’t a mantress a bug?

Ah, you mean a praying mantis.

Mantis would be a great name for a man mistress! Like from how the lady mantis will bite her dude’s head off when she’s tired of paying for his internet.