Carl Goes Vegetarian

I’m off the caveman diet, Anastasia. The constipation was beating my asshole senseless. I’ve gone vegetarian!

Good for you, Carl!

I’ve mostly been eating chocolate, cause chocolate is a plant. I’ve had like six Mars bars today and I feel great! No wonder vegetarians always say they have more energy.

Carl, you should be eating healthy food like kelp and dried berries you can’t pronounce.

Really? I can’t eat shit like that. If I’m gonna be a healthy vegetarian, I’ll do it, Carl-style.

The next morning…

Heinz breakfast beans, you look like dog food, but I love you.

Schluppp

Hey Carl, you think you can handle today’s lunch special? It’s a three-pound beef burrito!

Sure! But can you make it with Heinz breakfast beans instead?

Oh shit! I should totally make vegetarian chilli dogs for dinner… with Heinz breakfast beans!

Huh Huh Huh

The next day…

Anastasia, this gas is killing me! My guts feel like they’re playing Cat’s Cradle. I’m cutting more cheese than a French deli clerk!

Golly!

I’m cutting dry, I’m cutting wet, I’m cutting thin, I’m cutting heavy, but it’s hot, Anastasia.

Honestly, I’m making sounds exactly like a fire extinguisher. At this point, I’d don’t know if I’d rather have ear plugs, a nose plug or a butt plug.

I blasted one so hard that I knocked the spacebar off my MacBook Pro. And I broke it in half.

It’s always so hot.

I tried to see a doctor, but I was pumping so much funk in the waiting room that I made the secretary cry. I ran outta there with my ass screeching like a demon.

Last night I spent four hours on a ladder in the washroom with my ass pointed to the ceiling fan so my neighbours didn’t think someone died in my apartment.